This is one of those conversations that tends to happen between two lobes of my brain – I’ll refer to them as Rick Brain 1 and Rick Brain 2. Here’s how this particular conversation goes; maybe it’s somewhat the same for you:

Rick Brain 1: It seems to me that when you accept a leadership position, at that point you waive the right to talk about how tired or how busy you are. Leaders who talk that way sound like they’re complaining about the difficulties of leadership, which is annoying to those who might wish they were in leadership positions, not to mention to those who secretly feel that they actually work harder than their leader does. So I need to be really careful not to do that.

Rick Brain 2: OK, but what about the importance of modeling vulnerability and work/life balance? You’re always talking about “defaulting to openness.” Why shouldn’t you trying to show your humanness and vulnerability? Could it be that you’re really just worried your team will think less of you if they can see there are limits to your energy and bandwidth?

Rick Brain 1: If I’m being completely honest, I do like the fact that people seem to think I have unlimited energy. I don’t mind having that kind of reputation. But I don’t think that’s what my real concern is. I genuinely recognize the privileged position I inhabit, and I don’t want anyone to think I don’t appreciate and recognize that privilege. And I really don’t want anyone to think that I have illusions about being more fully employed than they are.

Rick Brain 2: But if a leader isn’t willing to express openly his feelings of overwhelm or fatigue, isn’t he sending a message to his team that they’d better not complain about feeling that way either? If you always put up a happy, energized front, are you sending the message “If I can do my big, important job without complaining, surely you all can do your smaller, less important jobs without complaining”?

Rick Brain 1: Maybe. But that argument cuts both ways. I once reported to a leader who never missed an opportunity to brag about how tired they were. They would come into meetings and put their head down on the table and say “I’m so exhausted,” at which point we were all expected to say things like “I don’t know how you do it!” and so forth, which was really annoying – in part because we were all pretty sure that we were just as tired as this leader was. That was the moment that I vowed I would never do that.

Rick Brain 2: I agree, that’s kind of obnoxious and oblivious. But surely you can be open about how you’re feeling without doing so in an obnoxious and oblivious way. You don’t have to choose between pretending to be Superman and fishing for sympathy – you can be open while still being thoughtful and exercising good judgment. And I think your employees will appreciate it – you may like being seen as a high-energy force of nature (or at least thinking they see you that way), but how does it benefit them for you to be seen that way? Maybe they’d benefit more from seeing when you’re stressed, and from seeing how you deal with it. 

Rick Brain 1: Maybe so. But I still worry about being seen to complain in any way about my job. Again, I know there are people in my organization who wish they had this position, and who think (in some cases, with good reason) that they’d do it better than I do. How will it make them feel if I’m complaining about how tough it is?

Rick Brain 2: So maybe what you need to do is figure out how to be open and human and vulnerable, but to do so in a way that doesn’t communicate “My job is so tough and demanding and I’m working so much harder than anyone else.” Maybe the key is to create context for your own openness by making sure you’re always noticing and expressing appreciation for the people you work with – so that when you do express feelings of overwhelm or fatigue, people see those expressions in a context of appreciation for them, and will be less likely to see what you’re saying as a sort of humble-brag about how hard you work and how much is expected of you.

Anyway, this conversation with myself is an ongoing one and I don’t suspect it will ever end completely – at least not until I retire, at which point the conversation will probably just change topics.

Takeaways and Action Items

• Think about how you handle the stressors of your job, and what messages your coping strategies might be sending to the people you lead. Are you confident that the messages you’re actually sending are the ones you want to send?
• When was the last time you openly remarked on the difficulties you deal with in your work? To whom were you speaking? Can you remember how they reacted? How would you have reacted if your places were reversed?
• Think carefully about how you balance the need to show confidence as a leader with the need to show openness and vulnerability. How do you strike that balance in your own leadership? Is it something you think about consciously?